Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Simple Answers to Simple Questions

There are times (not many of them) when I wish we were a religious family. It would certainly make a few things easier.

For instance, when a kid in a religious family asks: "Daddy where did people come from?" you can answer simply: "God made us". When the kid in a religious family asks: "Daddy, where did the sky and the earth come from?" you can answer: "God made them". When the religious kid asks: "Where did Nana go when she died?" you can answer: "To heaven to be with God and Jesus".

Not so fast pseudo-atheistic, neo-agnostic weirdo boy. No, my belief system includes the philosophy: "You live, you learn, you die, you feed the worms, thank you for playing."

That means I'm required to have long, detailed discussions about The Big Bang, and gravity condensing spinning balls of gasses & cosmic dust and convergent and divergent evolution; complete with a mini dissertation on Natural Selection. And I have to have these conversations with a very inquisitive five-year-old while driving to Kindergarten. The boy then feels compelled to share these little chats verbatim with his teacher and his friends' parents. Needless to say, I get more than my fair share of - shall we say odd - looks from the other adults associated with Kindergarten.

Oh, and he loves the traffic reports on the radio. He's particularly fascinated by traffic problems on the Deerfoot Trail. I have no idea why so don't ask.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Tony Snow - Ignorant, Retarded or Just Full of Shit?


Just admit you guys screwed up. After watching your deplorable avoidance of the Iraq study group report yesterday you really have me wondering about the question at the top.

Not only did I watch the outtakes of your performance on the Daily Show, but I read the transcript of the briefing. I just have to ask you outright. Are you retarded? I only ask because I don't think you're a stupid person. You seem to be able to read, you dress well and obviously you've made a name for yourself in a reasonalby "credible" way. And by credible I mean, in comparison to K-Fed.

So, I'm really hoping you're retarded and that W hired you through some kind of funding set aside to help the mentally challenged. That way, I can sleep at night knowing that you're just spouting out stuff that W, Dick et al spew at you - the same way retarded kids go to the zoo to howl at the chimps and flick their own boogers back at them.

The altenative you see, is that you're completely full of shit. Now, considering the lack of a speech impediment on your part, I suspect this is really the case. I know that watching the Daily Show, while hilarious and usually spot on, is somewhat unfair to you. After all they pull out the parts where you look like a self-agrandizing, pompous ass bent on protecting his boss's own somewhat inflated ego. They never show how open minded and reasonable you can be. And that good stuff has got to cover at least 6% of your show, I mean "briefing".

So, I read (present tense). I read the stuff that you can't point to and say "That's unfair" or "You're taking me out of context" or whatever it is you need to backtrack and take those oh so expensive loafers out of your mouth. I read the transcripts. Did you know there's a person who's job it is to sit and write down everything that is said in the briefing room - no matter how ridiculous it may sound? Did you know there's video cameras in there so we can all go back and watch what you said and compare it to the written record for accuracy? Do you even care?

Or, are you so convinced by your own line of bullshit and six years of beating the national media into acting like a flock of sheep that you figure we'll just buy whatever load of toxic, partisan nonsense flows out of your mouth.

So what is Tony? Stupid? Retarded? Full of Shit? Either way we all lose.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Your Obit

O.K. this was funny and somewhat entertaining.

My obit:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

However, I was wondering about my own real obit. Not that I have anything to worry about short of a tragic (probably axe-involved) accident. I just wonder what my obit will say. Should I write it myself and put it in a safe place; only to have my surviving family discover it three weeks after my non-funeral.

What do I want people to say about me? Do I want them to say anything? I know my parting words to my family would be (hopefully) inspiring. But then, given the state of modern pharmeceuticals, they could be incoherent rambling.

Maybe I'll just get someone to access this blog in whatever format it exists in and pull random thoughts from here.


Maybe I'll let the Easy Bake Oven speak for me. It sounds like it cared.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Good Lord, Don't Be Less Than Complimentary

You sanctimonious bastards.

That's all.

Steve Irwin died from a stingray barb to the chest. It's quite the loss for his family and friends.

My question is, why are we so quick to lionize any dead famous person - simply because they are famous? There are lots of people who are working diligently behind the scenes to make the world a better place. Many of them have made and are making significantly larger contributions than Steve Irwin did. And yet, because of his ability to self-promote and sell us a show, all of a sudden he walks on water.

Last night there were no fewer than eight, 20+ minute tributes to and examinations of Steve Irwin's life. Why???

Why indeed, when these same media outlets roasted him on a pillar after video surfaced showing him taking his toddler into a croc pit? And last night, not one critical word.

Steve Irwin definitely made some positive contributions to the world. From all accounts he was a great father and husband and a dedicated family man. But, he wasn't perfect! It's ok to point that out. It's ok to say "I'm sorry he's dead but he wasn't really my cup of tea."

I'm reminded of the period after Reagan died. Lord help you if you were offering a slightly less than complimentary view of the man. Anybody who made points like "He supported death squads in Nicaragua." or "He decided that ketchup fulfilled the role of vegetables for student lunches." or "He held the world hostage and played a dangerous game of brinkmanship." was set upon by a pack of angry, right-wing media pundits and politicians. You were denounced as being unpatriotic.

And so to the fawning public at large, I do feel for the family and friends of Steve Irwin.

Specifically to Jabberwock, Jody and Gregorius: Get over yourselves you self-righteous, sanctimonious jackasses and stop deciding "what's right", "what's moral" or "what's appropriate" for the rest of us.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Why Exactly Is The Ground Sticky?

Ahhh, the fair. The annual fair. The chance to bake your way through an otherwise massive, empty parking lot in the 35 degree heat. The magical experience of stepping in fried mystery food, ground into searing asphalt all the while regretting your choice to wear flip flops instead of sneakers – like a sane person would.

Yes the annual “country fair” was in town last week and yesterday we took the kids.


Now, I don’t dislike the fair per-se. I like the rides and, as ours is still an agricultural fair, I get to see cows and horses etc… I do wonder however, what percentage of West Coast Amusements’ (the contracted midway provider) staff has served time in prison. I try not to wonder why they may have been there.

Anyways, it was a neat year to be at the fair because my son is now five and this year he really got into the fair. He got to ride on his first “real” midway ride with me – The Rockin’ Tugboat – was allowed to go on some of the kids’ rides by himself and got to help his two-year-old sister on one ride. So through the eyes of Kaden, the fair was awesome.

He is however, an odd child sometimes. We went to the carnival of crap that is the midway food area. Because it was a special day we told Kaden that he could have anything he wanted for lunch. A hot dog, a burger, perogies, sausage, a corndog… you name it, it was up for grabs. He could have literally had anything you can find at a fair with little to no nutritional value. What did he ask for?


What five-year-old in their right mind chooses corn on the cob over a hotdog or a corn dog?

“Are you sure buddy? You can have anything you want. How about some pie?”
“No thanks Dad. I want corn from that corn on the cob place over there.”

No butter. No salt and pepper. Just corn. On the cob.

“What would you like to drink Kaden? Do you want some punch or a slurpee thing?”
“No thanks. Can I have a bottle of water? It doesn’t have so much sugar.”

And so, my five-year-old son, one of the three most important people in my life, had corn and water for lunch; and was completely thrilled with it.

Weird. Weird. Weird.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Wow, You're Sooooo Powerful

So my loyal non-readers, what could inspire a post after a two-month-long drought. What could break the self-imposed need to actually work, imposed silence?

The guy behind me at Chez Ronaldo's drive thru line.

Dear Sir,
Please tell me how a "man", wearing a $1,000 suit, a fine gold watch and driving a $96,000 car gets pleasure or power from screaming at the minimum wage kid working the window.

Yes, it's infuriating that they only had one window open. Yes you did have to wait in line for 15 whole minutes - apparently you waited for a 1/2 hour and yes they probably should have put up a sign. However, none of that was the cashier's fault you jackass.

Your patience was sad, your manners pathetic and your language was deplorable. Your mother would have been ashamed.


And that dear reader(s?) is that.

Oh and in slightly more important news, the Green Party of Canada's leadership race is on. Personally I'm David Chenuschenko fan.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Dammit Jim I'm a Doctor, Not a Life Coach

O.K. Anybody, no check that everybody out there, walking around with a Bluetooth headset on... you look like a star trek convention reject!!! Look at this guy.
He's connected. He's plugged in. He's... got a pole crammed so far up his ass, it's tickling his throat. Clearly, he likes his headset a little more than would be considered healthy, or socially acceptable.

I find that the one with the little blinking blue LED is especially annoying. Don't even get me started on the Oakley RAZRWIRE. I mean really, it's too hard to hold the phone up to your ear? Your shades get in the way of the phone? You have the compelling need to talk to thin air while maintaining some sort of creepy, not-quite-eye contact with the person in front of you?

Here's my thought. Some people have people. Some people have Bluetooth. I'll bet you Donald Trump doesn't have a Bluetooth headset set. Why? He has people. I'll bet you an equal amount of money that the Donald's people have Bluetooth. Why?

Because they're busy. Busy busy busy.

That's what a Bluetooth headset says to the world. "I'm a busy person being busy. I'm so busy I don't have the time to take my ringing phone out of my pocket, flip it open and talk. I just talk. Talk talk talk. To other busy people. And all of us busy busy talkers are talking on behalf of our masters. Because we're "people"."

That's what a Bluetooth headset says. That, and you're possibly retarded.