Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Ho Ho Holy Crap

You have got to be kidding me. This is a joke right? Not that merit has anything to do with being a celebrity anyways, but come on. Russel Crowe is a hero because he prayed for some kid with a snake bite? It's not like Russel flew to the kid's house and sucked out the poison himself. An act that for sure, would have been covered by 8 million newscams all looking for a "famous humanitarian" story.

O.K., I feel better.

To pick up on deeol's post from yesterday here is a simple, helpful list of things you can do while shopping for Chrismas presents this year.

1. Don't be a complete dickhead to the person at the till. The poor guy or girl, has probably been on staff since about 10:00 that morning. They want what we all want: enough money to pay their bills and buy some prezzies for the kids. They don't control the ordering, pricing, inventory, in-store music or anything else that is bothering you. Leave them alone. They make minimum wage, which is not enough money to put up with your crap. If you have a bad experience, yell at someone who can actually fix your problem - you'll have to find at least a district manager.

2. Be a smidge creative. If you can't find that last "must have" item, figure out an alternative. In fact, expect that you're not going to find what you want and have the list of alternatives ready to go.

3. Eat before you shop. Don't go out starving and dehydrated. The rest of us have to either step over or move your lifeless body when you pass out. All this can be avoided with proper planning on your part.

4. For the boys: Do not buy your wife/girlfriend lingerie. This is a present for you. They'd rather have jewelery, slippers, a sweater, tools, movies etc...

5. For the girls: Do not buy your husband/boyfriend... actually forget that part. We're guys. We like free stuff. Maybe keep out of stores selling "chick flick" dvds. Other than that, we're pretty easy.

6. If you must take your children to the mall during Christmas season, restrain them. I don't care how. Get a stroller, steal a shopping cart, put a leash on them or tie them to a pole. Little kids and the holiday mall are not a good combination.

7. Further to #6. Take your kids to see Santa before you go shopping. That way, they're placated for 15 minutes and they have candy to occupuy them.

8. Further to #6 & 7. You know what, leave the kids at home. Pay the $5 an hour for the sitter and take some stress out of your (and my) life. If they want to see Santa, take them just before the mall closes for the night. Make the trip to Santa a special treat just before they go to bed. Put 'em in their pj's, avoid the long lines and get some really cute pictures. Santa will appreciate having at least one kid who isn't flying off the walls, not sugared up, not covered in snot and not tracking slush all over his nice, hot, red fur suit that he has to sweat in for the next five weeks.

9. Have an open bottle of the alcohol of your choice waiting at home. Brother, you're gonna need it to cram down and repress all holiday happiness you just experienced at the mall.

I thought I'd have ten tips. Looks like only nine.

I'll wish you a Merry Christmas at an appropriate time - in five weeks.


Blogger deeol said...

Suuure, take my topic. I guess I don't have to make a post myself today then.

And by the way, who says deeol isn't my real name? :P

1:40 p.m.  

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